Demanding beggars

Kak Lela's musings on this remind me of my own experience meeting a few demanding beggars in Tokyo.

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One is a repeated case.

We met Abe-san for the first time in Ramadhan. He came to Asakusa Mosque at about Maghrib. I remember spending a long time answering and responding to his many queries on Islam. He said something along the line of "I like Islam because Muslim helps each other, Muslims are asked to be generous in charity". He said that he's thinking of converting and promised to return to the mosque a few days after Eid for formal conversion. Towards the end of our conversation, he asked for 10,000 yen to help him settle some bills and rent

10,000 yen. That's more than RM300.

Hubby looked at I. I looked back at him. We did not dare to use the mosque's money, so we gave him our own money. With husnun zan, we gave him 2,000 yen. We invited him for dinner which he gladly accepted.

Since then there were several subsequent visits. Everytime he came, he would ask for some amount of money - ranging from 5,000 to 10,000 yen- which he claimed he needed for electricity bills, for water bills, for rental. The last time he came, he even asked for 2000 yen so that he could get new passport sized photographs (since we need 2 passport sized photos for New Muslim certificate). The amount we gave him subsided from 2,000 yen to just 500 yen. I remember telling him that he didn't need 2000 yen for passport sized photographs, he could find a passport photo-producing kiosk nearby which charged only 500 yen, so that's all we would give him.

He never returned since then. But the most memorable thing I remember about Abe-san was that he never turned down any offer for meal at our house. He even ate a tamar (date) unpitted once to our amazement.

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Then, there's the case of one drunken guy posing as Muslim asking for money, food and shelter.

That night, Faizly, hubby, the kids and I returned from some place (mana aah, tak ingat pulak, but it was late and we were really tired), we found a man in the stairs area. I can't remember what exactly the nihonjin wanted, but I remember being the one who suggested for him to go up to our house on the fifth floor. Faizly, who acted as the spokeperson made a face but I didn't realize it until later, when I get to be near the man myself. He smelled really 'hamis', the smell of a drunkard.

He claimed that he was a Muslim, saying his name was so and so (I-can't-remember-what-but-it-definitely-did-not-sound-like-a-true-Muslim-name). Claimed that it was late and he needed to go back to some place quite far and he didn't have any money. He asked for 5000 yen as 'tambang'.

5000 yen. That's more than RM150

I remember Faizly tried telling him no nicely, that we could not afford giving him that much. He insisted. And kept on insisting.

Finally we said we could give him 1,000 yen. And no, he could not spend the night in the mosque, since we only allow those who got permission from the ICOJ committee to spend a night in the mosque.

"Can I stay at your place then?"

"NOOOO...", Faizly and I answered simultaneously. No way I was going to let that smelly drunkard spending a night in our house.

It was cold outside and he kept talking so that he could be inside our home longer. He asked for food, we took pity on him and cooked him a bowl of instant noodle (we already had dinner outside). He kept on asking if we could allow him to stay in the house for the night after he finished the instant noodle.

By then Faizly was beginning to get mad at him (we were tired after all and it was getting really late).

"Please take the 1000 yen and leave. Or do you want me to call the police nearby to ask you to leave?"

Upon hearing the word 'keisatsu' (police), kelam-kabut he left after that.

So there, our brush with "demanding beggars" in Tokyo. I guess it might be true that beggars in bigger cities could be more 'demanding' than their counterparts in smaller cities, after all.

Macam dulu-dulu

I had to go to Dungun, until Monday.
He had to go to Ipoh, until Thursday.
C'est la vie.
We knew before that this is what in store for a family with two working parents

He misses the kids.
It's good that Huzaifah is becoming better at 'sembang-sembang', but Humaidi still looks confused everytime the phone (on speaker mode) is passed to him.
Like he's wondering "how did Ayah manage to get into such a small thing to talk to me?".
On the other hand, when he is in the mood to 'mengoceh', Humaidi uses a lot of thing as imaginary telephone - his dad's shoe brush, the TV remote control or a toy. He would happily says "hello" and smiles before he starts babbling away.

Anyway, back to the kids' dad.
He sent 'miss u' sms, and gave missed calls in the middle of the night.
Just to make me smile. And smile I did. A lot.

They said that to keep gluing a family together, it's good for the spouses to be away from each other every now and then.
So that absence makes the heart grow fonder - not out of sight, out of mind.
I know that it works for us - it's been awhile since we last sent 'miss u' sms or missed calls to each other.
And now, those little things make me smile.
We might be away from each other, but our thoughts are with each other.
And we can't wait to see each other again.
Can't wait to just be with each other again.

Macam dulu-dulu

Ole-ole dari Terengganu

Jue,

Saja nak usik hang, tengok kecur ke tak...

Dodol, dodol pandan, lempuk durian

Keropok Lekor (cicah dah abih)

Kuih Semar aka Sarang Burung

Nak bisnes ke tak?

(Note: Mak's musing on Huzaifah's and Humadi's antics on the car can be read here)

It was frustrating.

I found a nice pair of pyjamas, in Huzaifah's size, in the "buy 1 get 1 free" bargain bin. Asked the sales assistant what's the price of the pyjamas since there was no price tag. She took the pyjamas, tried to find a price tag (which I already did), failed (just like I did) and asked me to check with the cashier.

Went to the cashier and asked her to check for the price of the pyjamas. She tried to look for a price tag to scan, did not find one and said, "Sorry, I don't know the price".

"Can you please check it in the register or something?"

"Ok, let me try."

She asked the sales assistant, who was not far from me (it was only a small shop in Kuala Terengganu after all), who just shrugged and answered she didn't know the price. She did not check for other similar pairs in the bargain bin. She did not bother checking with a price list book/register or something. She just shrugged and said "dok tau".

The cashier shrugged and said sorry, they don't know the price (so I couldn't buy it)

Okay, maybe they did not bother trying harder because it was not their shop. So, they lost a customer, so what? They still get their salary by the end of the month, so who cares, right?

But really, it was kind of frustrating.

(By the way, Ayah had a similar experience in a warung earlier on. He thought of stopping for keropok lekor and air nyiur on a road side stall, but the shopkeeper was keener on keeping on chatting with other customer than greeting new ones. When Ayah asked what they were selling, the shopkeeper just shrugged. Ayah immediately left the warung.)

Nota kaki:
* Mayang Sari Resort in Dungun might lack in terms of services, but the food there is not bad, not bad at all.
* While in Terengganu, try not to miss trying out KLCC and ICT...
That's "Keropok Lekor Cicah Cuka" and "Ikan Celup Tepung".
* They are still selling ice cream potong for 20 sen in Terengganu. Seriously! It was so unbeliaveably cheap, I gave a second look at the seller when she answered "dua poseng" when I asked for the price. The same ice-cream might have costed 60 or 80 sen in KL

Notes for her (& self)

You asked me how did I cope, so here are some pointers which I hope you can benefit from. Some of these pointers, I've learned from reading, some by observing others and some as told by others. These are only my pointers - they might or might not work with you, but you asked me for these, so here they are...


* Remember that our husband is not the ultimate "tempat bergantung". The ultimate "tempat bergantung" is with Allah. So, in trying time, seek Allah's help, let it all out to Allah - He is always there for us. Husband and kids after all, are only "temporary loans" from Allah. He could take them back any time He wants to, hence we have to surrender it all to Allah.


* We may not be able to change our partner's unpleasant attitude, so what we can do is to make do'a that he will change for the better some day. Never underestimate the power of do'a for Allah is Most Listening.


*Although we can't change him, we can change our own perceptions and reactions. Like, when we can't make him share household chores, then, maybe we can remind ourselves that we are doing all these out of love and charity. Without the "nawaitu" of doing them as "sadaqah", it might seem burdensome, but if we look at them as an investment of sort for us later in the hereafter, maybe the chores will be less burdensome...


* Try to be more creative in meeting his and our own irks and quirks. If he keeps using the towel put on the bed meant for your own use after the shower, start putting two towels. If he keeps using your mug in the morning, buy two similar mugs. (But do kindly ask him to use his own toothbrush)


* Just do what needs to get done. Dishes and dirty clothes find a way to multiply if they are left unattended. Try not to spend more time putting off the job than it would actually take if you just do it. Instead of making the bad seem worse, and your relationship more strained in the process (because he did not do them when it was his turn to do so), not to mention wasting precious time - just do what needs to be done.

* Compliment him on his achievements when he gets stuff done in the house, especially those he did out of his own initiatives. Remember that guys prefer us to remember them as the knight in shining armor, so chances are if we keep polishing those armor, he might want to keep being in his 'shining armor' behaviour.

* In trying times, keep reminding ourselves of his positive traits. Well, he might sleep a little extra, or have time to stay awake for soccer at midnight but not for chores, or play games on our phones but forget to recharge them - but at other times, he cooks, or massages, or change the baby's diapers, or tidy up the house. Most of all, he stays loyal to us and love us for who we are.

* In trying times, before we "terlepas cakap", ask ourselves would we say such thing if he's not going to be with us tomorrow? Many wives realized their own weaknesses and became more forgiving of their husbands after they were left by the husbands. We should be forgiving when we are still with each other, and try to keep making the relationship better and healthier.

* When we give, don't expect any return. Let Allah do all the 'calculation'. It is not for us to say that we are doing a lot more when he is doing little or nothing. If we keep on "mengungkit", a lot of things might amount to nothing, yet when he does a little, but sincerely and with all his heart, it might counts more. Let Allah do all the 'calculation', we just keep on giving what we can. After all, it is always better to give than to receive, right?

Notes for him

"I feel abandoned. He makes time for his buddies, he has time to watch tv after work, he doesn't mind taking office stuff back home, but he doesn't really care about me. Or else he would've contributed more at home and really make time for me. They said that husbands and wives should be each other's garment, but I don't feel warm and protected by mine."

"Sometimes, I just feel like crap because I work hard too, I have sacrificed too, and I am fried too, and while I do things for him, it feels like he never thinks to do anything just because it needs to get done at home. He'll do it if I ask him to - or more likely, ask him two, three times, then snark or yell at him. Which ends up making me feel like a shrew. I don't want that identity. I did not sign up for that marriage."

"Everytime I ask for his help, he would procrastinate. Then in the end, I would be the one who do it because he would fall asleep. But he could stay awake at midnight - to watch soccer or play games. Why do I stay with him? To be his slave?"

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Dear H, A and O (respective husbands to A, E and I)

I admit that I've only been married for less than five years and thus may not be the best marriage 'counsellor'. But your wife let off her steam to me, and while I talked on a different note to her, I was actually quite mad at you too, for making my friend felt that way.

In the first place, you married each other because you wanted to fulfill a religious obligation. An obligation that states that you, the husband, must fulfill the nafkah of your wife, and subsequently, nafkah of the children.

In meeting the economical needs - nafkah zahir - it's quite difficult to depend on just one salary nowadays, so you give permission to your wife to work and earn extra income. But giving permission for her to work does not mean that you are giving her half the responsibility. She does it out of charity, out of love for her family.

In fulfilling the nafkah of your wife, you must remember not to just fulfill the physical needs, but also the emotional and spiritual needs - nafkah zahir. To go on in a life, you need food and shelter; to go on living together, surely you need a lot more.

Now, since your wife is a working mother, then you must be more considerate towards her. You feel tired from a day's work, she feels that too. You feel frustrated and weary from work, she feels that too. So stop making lame excuses in sharing the load of household chores. How can a man - who has naturally been built stronger and more energetic - sit quietly while the weaker wife works hard at home, after a hard day's work in the office?

Do what needs to be done, preferably without being asked. You wake up later than her, you make the bed. You see socks on the floor, you put them in the washing machine. You see the toys cluttered, you clean them up. You see unwashed plates, you wash them up. Why do you have to wait to be asked or told what to do? You know you don't like to be 'ordered', so don't give her any space to 'order' you around.

And time is of an essence. If she asked you to do the dishes after breakfast since you go to work later than her, don't wait until the evening to get it done. Your house is not a restaurant - you don't wait to get served by others. You serve yourself and you clean up after yourself, by yourself.

When she asks for your help around the house, she's asking for support, for understanding. When she pleads for a massage, a foot rub, she's seeking for intimacy. In short, she needs to know and reassured that she's loved, cherished and appreciated.

Don't blame her for not wanting to spend more intimate times with you when you yourself do not spend much un-intimate times with her. Don't blame her for feeling tired all the times when you refused to tire yourself with some of the chores. Women are emotional creatures, if we are drained emotionally, chances are, we would be drained physically too.

Husband and wife both share the responsibility to make marriage work. Learn from our beloved Rasulullah s.a.w.. He never shied away from household chores, he even mended his own clothes. When breakfast was not prepared due to lack of food, he said that he would fast. When he returned late one night, he slept in front of the house, not wanting to disturb the wife's sleep. He said that the best amongst Muslim is the one who is kind to his wife.

So, what else do you need to persuade you to be kind to yours?
Being kind is part of proving your love for her. After all, love is a verb.
Love - the feeling - is a fruit of the verb.

Apakah?

Dear Z,

You appeared in my dream a few days ago.
I seldom dream, so it was a surprise of sort to have you entering my dream.
It's not like I was thinking of you or anything
In fact, when I woke up, I wondered why you of all people.

In my dream, you told me, "I'm marrying a beautiful girl. She's a lot younger than you. Prettier. Kinder"


I frowned. Perplexed.


You continued, "She could accept me for who I am. Unlike you. You quickly jumped to conclusion upon hearing about me from other people. You did not give me any chance to tell my side of story. You refused to listen to my explanation. You must think that you are better than me. Well, let me tell you that you are no better than me. And I am marrying someone better than you."

Astaghfirullahal'azim...
I woke up before I could respond to that.
Which was kind of frustrating, despite it being a silly "mainan tidur".
(I guess I forgot to wash my feet before going to be the previous night...)

Anyway Z, I want you to know that initially what I heard from others about you was really shocking, that I guess it wouldn't be wrong for you to assume that I looked at you with disdain back then. But that was not for long. I was later reminded by a friend that we are only human and we all make mistakes, and it is not for us human being to judge others. Only Allah has the right to judge us, His creations. And who are we to look down upon others when Allah might have forgiven that person for all his or her wrong doings by accepting his or her taubat, where else there is no guarantee as yet that Allah might have accepted our own taubat.

So Z, if it's true that you are getting married (finally!) to someone who is younger, prettier, kinder, better than me - that's good for you. I'm happy for you. Alhamdulillah.

I want you to know that I do not think that I'm better than you. I have no right to think such thought. We are all equal and the only thing that could differentiate us is taqwa, yet only Allah knows where we stand in terms of taqwa. I am sorry if I have left a different impression on you before. I apologize for all my wrongdoings, and I make doa that we will always be blessed and guided to the right path.

You take good care bro.

Teruja

"Tuan-tuan dan puan-puan, Peraturan 4A, Peraturan-peraturan Pegawai Awam (Kelakuan dan Tatatertib) 1993 menjelaskan bahawa pejawat awam dilarang melakukan perbuatan bersifat seksual menyebabkan seseorang yang waras tersinggung, terhina atau terugut"

"Initipatinya ialah - tersinggung, terhina, terugut. Tak kisah lah sama ada perbuatan bersifat seksual ini secara lisan, bertulis, SMS dan tidak terhad di tempat kerja atau pada waktu kerja."

"Kalau teruja, macam mana?"

Seisi kelas tergelak besar.

Dan itu yang ramai bimbangkan.
Bila gangguan seksual tidak lagi dianggap gangguan.

Dan ramai juga bimbangkan.
Kes-kes melibatkan hubungan dua insan.
Yang bermula dengan 'ter'kasihan
membawa kepada 'ter'suka, 'ter'sayang, 'ter'cinta
dan 'ter'kahwin.
Lebih parah, kalau sampai terlanjur.
Dan jadi pula kes 'ter'gugur atau 'ter'buang.

Of birthday & Mother's day

"Keluarga abang tak biasa sambut-sambut birthday ke apa day ke."

That was what hubby told me long time ago, when we were newly married.
It was a warning of sort - not to expect much from him regarding birthdays, anniversaries, etc.
I told him that in my family, it's a tradition to have some makan-makan to sort of celebrate our birthdays. I said "sort of" because it's not necessarily held on the birthday itself, but still it was called "rai birthday". Since Ayah's birthday is on the 5th, Mak's on the 12th and mine on the 10th, May is one month we seldom miss having at least one makan-makan session (usually it is just one makan-makan session, anyway).

This year, my younger brother Abang decided to play host for the family makan-makan session to celebrate Ayah's, Mak's and my birthday - on a day that happened to be Ayah's birthday. Since I was already at my parents' house in Kampung Tunku, just finished attending a short course in Bukit Kiara, we decided to just go some place in PJ although initially Abang was thinking of giving a treat of Nasi Arab at Saba restaurant in Cyberjaya. Mak and Ayah are big fans of Nasi Arab aka Nasi Mandy lately, and Mak prefers Saba in Cyberjaya than going to the famous Al Rawsha in KL. Besides we had some bad experience there - really bad service and an incident involving Huzaifah and a little girl with a rude father. Anyway, there's another Middle Eastern restaurant that Mak recommended to us - Al Diafah in Seri Petaling (note to self: maybe should take my parents there as my treat), but that night, since we did not make any reservation ahead in time, we decided to just belasah ajelah any suitable place in Sunway Pyramid.

We ended up having dinner at Thai Thai. Abang, who was in Cyberjaya for a metting, picked hubby in Putrajaya, and his wife and kid in Kelana Jaya before meeting the rest of the family - Mak, Ayah, Adik, my kids and I - at Sunway Pyramid. What can I say about Thai Thai? Good food, not bad service, reasonable price with staff who are quite friendly and patient with hyperactive kids. Ayah really enjoyed his meal, Mak had some complaint about the staff who started cleaning up the area (the shop was already closed, we were the last to leave the place) even before we finished eating, but all in all it was a good makan-makan session.

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Since my birthday this year is on the second Sunday of May, it was also Mother's day.

Mak never taught me to celebrate Mother's day.
"A mother should be celebrated everyday, all year long. Not merely on one day, every year," or so Mak claimed.
And I couldn't agree more.

Mak too said that one should not be too keen on celebrating his or her own birthday.
"What right do you have to celebrate your own birthday? You just happened to be born on that day. It was your mother who went through all the pain of bringing you to the world," or so Mak would repeat the words of Sheikh Yusof Estes.

Hubby thought of taking me out - just the two of us - for a birthday treat. I had to take a rain cheque on that because on my birthday, he was in Seremban while the kids and I were with my parents in Pontian. My aunt's husband, Pakcik Me'at was admitted to the hospital for diabetes, so when Mak invited me to go balik kampung to visit him, I agreed. It's the weekend off for our bibik, so I thought being with Mak and her helper is a better option than having to care for all three kids on my own, and hubby reluctantly agreed.

I thought of a few things on my birthday, among others, to call my biological mother to thank her for going through the pain to bring me to this world.
Unfortunately, I left my handphone in the office, so that had to be postponed.
I asked Huzaifah to sing "happy birthday yu yu" to Ibu, but everytime I prompted with singing "happy birthday to you...", he smiled cheekily and started singing "A B C D E F G..." instead.
Bertuah punya anak.

We ended up having an even bigger makan-makan on the night of my birthday.
Two retired teachers who used to teach in Sungai Batu identified my uncle Ayah Jang as the grandson of Che Uda, the Penghulu of Sungai Batu back when they were teaching there. They contacted Ayah Jang, who still remember them and then held a family gathering in Putrajaya Lake Club. A jejak kasih reunion of sort for the teachers (with their respected family), my grand uncle, Tok Lang, Ayah and his siblings. The younger generation - my cousins and I- merely enjoyed a makan-makan session with the family. I left the kids with Mak's helper at home, otherwise I don't think any of us could eat in peace at the Lake Club. Ayah Jang ordered lots of dishes to go with rice, but I opted to sit at the far back, the assigned a la carte area, and had Cantonese Kuey Teow as per Mak's recommendation. Although the makan-makan was not held to celebrate my birthday, it was one I really enjoyed. Away from the kids for a while, able to sit back, relax, chit-chat with aunts, uncles, cousins on various matters. I found it quite amusing to notice that none of my aunts got my age right when I told them that it was my birthday - all of them thought I'm younger. Hmm, I wonder if that is because perhaps they think if their niece hasn't age that much, then they too could not have aged that much...

I used to think that age is just a number. But not anymore. Age is something that happens only once. Like Mak always point out to me if she's not happy with the way I take care of the kids, "They are only 3 year old once in their life". The same goes whether one reaches 10, 20 or 30 years old. At any particular age, we must try to achieve something so that it counts; age is a blessing that must not be wasted on too much lying around doing nothing. Or too much sleeping.
Which means I have to start doing something because I don't think I have achieve something significant yet this year. And that might start with losing some weight, since I really need to lose those baby fat I've accumulated when I was pregnant with Haniyya...

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This morning, as I walked in the office and checked on my phone, I found 3 text messages wishing me happy birthday and a few others wishing happy mother's day.
I found myself praying that all those prayers and wishes sent my way will come true, insya Allah.

Does it hurt to be polite on the phone?

Say you get a call from someone within the same organization.
But the organization is huge and you don't quite know everybody.
The caller introduced herself as so-and-so, and you scratched your head, trying to recall who she really is. As in - which department and her position.
You don't know her, you can't remember her name, she's asking about something very trivial and she sounds young.
So, does it hurt to be polite to her on the phone?
Just because you don't know her it does not mean that she's more junior than you and you can treat her lightly.
She happens to be your senior - in age, and in rank.
But she knows better than to start pulling rank, only that she hopes that you will learn one day.
That it won't hurt to be polite on the phone to a stranger.
If the caller is in fact your senior, then it is only expected for you to be polite to her
But even if the caller is (so-called) beneath you in terms of rank, it'll earn you extra cookie points.
Because being polite and gentle won't kill.
Sometimes, it's proof that one is well brought up, not merely well educated or well promoted.

It's all in the family...

Mak has started writing her own blog.
Her thoughts, opinions, musings etc can now be read at Inspirasi Mawaddah

And my cousin Ain aka Seri, (actually she's my cousin Syahril's wife, but she does feel like a real cousin instead of merely a cousin's wife, if you get what I mean) has an online shop selling lovely hijab called (what else?) Lovely Hijab Shop.

Pesanan khidmat masyarakat dibawakan untuk anda semoga dapat memberi dan berkongsi manfaat (ehcheh!)

Notes from a seminar on leadership

On being useful

"Mengaji biar pandai
Perangai biar berjurus
Hidup biar orang boleh tumpang"

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6M principles in changing for the better

1. Musyarotah
2. Mu'atabah
3. Mu'aqobah
4. Muroqabah
5. Muhasabah
6. Mujahadah

Musyarotah - meeting the pre-requisite of a successful person

Mu'atabah - getting rid of negative stuff, practising self-restraint

Mu'aqobah - doing the right thing consistently, self-educating with integrity

Muroqabah - God consciousness

Muhasabah - self evaluation

Mujahadah - perseverance